I received a 7lb package in the mail the other day from some psychiatric center in the midwest. In a moment of weakness and desperation (too dramatic?) I called an 800-number for help. Huge mistake. The advertisement was for a free tape and once I made the phone call I ended up ordering this whole friggin' program. I know -- I'm the jerk for believing that I could get something for nothing. Sue me, I wasn't a marketing major.

Anyway, how do these people expect a depressed person to be able to work their way through this program and get better? Seriously, I couldn't even get out of the bed or cook for my kids -- let alone stick a tape in a VCR and write stuff down in a workbook. This is bullshit. I just called these people to receive my Return Authorization number so I can send this stuff back -- at my expense of course. And while Heidi was very polite on the phone she was also very persistent about getting me to keep this stuff before she would give me my authorization number. For every objection she had an answer. Finally, I had to stop being polite and I told her that we could continue to go back and forth all day but I wasn't getting off the phone without my return authorization number. She gave in. I may not know marketing but I damn sure know how hold on to my money. Poor Heidi.

What a racket. All this self-help crap is making me even more crazy. If you can believe that. I mean, really. I'm reading this book about controlling my anger. I'm filling my head with all this stuff about reasons why I may be angry. Consequently, that is all I can think about so I stay angry. Does that make sense? I am what I think am. So if I think about being angry (or sad, depressed and helpless) I'll be angry (or sad, depressed and helpless). The key is to change my thinking.

Yesterday, for no apparent reason I read someone else's blog and I laughed my ass off. I felt happy and strong for the entire day. And I didn't have to pay a cent. If that blogger hadn't left a comment on my post I probably wouldn't have found him. Funny thing is he lives right in my city. I know that if I meant him in person I'd probably think he was one sick puppy but his post on my blog really helped me.

Is that weird or what? Anyway, I'm still up and down. I feel okay today. I may even go out this weekend to see Island Boy at Boomerang's.

I haven't seen Donna in more than a month. I have an appointment on the 14th and she and I are going to have to restructure our sessions. We always seem to get off track and we spend too much time talking about why I'm so pissed off. I want her to help me to define the tools that I need so I won't be so reactive -- this last time could have really landed me in hot water. Thank God.

I've been told that I need to stop thinking things to death. That's probably true. Sometimes shit just happens and we just have to accept it and move on. I cannot control the actions of every selfish prick that I come across. All I can do is control me -- which is a battle in and of itself.

Okay -- I'm no longer thinking in a drunken haze. I spent a couple of days alternating between crying and sleeping and I've realized one thing ... if I don't get a handle on these damned mood swings I'm going to blow my brains out.

I feel good today. Really good. I find that if I occupy my mind with things that really matter than there is no room for the depressing thoughts. I don't wear depression well. In the past two weeks (since the incident) I have changed my hair drastically, bought some expensive jewelry, contacted an ex-lover and have not cooked one meal. I've got to get a grip on this thing.

I heard a story in church on Sunday about a man who was gathering wood in his backyard and came across a snake. It was frozen solid and he felt bad for the snake. The man brought the reptile into his home and put him in a box covered with blankets and sat him by the fire. He nurtured that snake and successfully brought him back to life. He was so pleased with what he had done. He reached into the box and picked up the snake and the damned thing bit him! The man was shocked. He said to the snake, "How could you bite me? I brought you in from the cold and took care of you and brought you back to life. This is the thanks I get?" The snake looked at the man and said, "You knew I was snake when you brought me in here."

That is some funny shit.

How many times have you gotten involved with a prick thinking that your good influence will turn him around and make him a good person? A prick is a prick and a snake is a snake. No matter how you slice it.

I need some ideas on what I should do for my birthday in 20 days. I want to take a trip and get into something I have no business getting into. Of course that will make me feel better for a very short period of time. But at least I'll feel something. How sick and desperate does that sound?

Truth is, I've been here before and I've gotten through it before. What is the lesson? Trust your gut -- not your heart. The heart is a deceitful betrayer. The heart works with the genitalia. They are in cohoots to destroy rational thinking men and women. It's true. It's hard to tell who is the ring leader because they are equally powerful. The gut, on the other hand just sits back -- makes his presence known very quietly and waits for you to listen. While the heart/genitalia team are loud and raucous and are constantly screaming, "Do it! He loves you! You love him! Go for it!"

Trust your gut.

I'm drinking -- so if this post seems a little disconnected and confusing -- that's the reason.

How long should one mourn the end of a relationship. I never mourned the end of my first marriage. I didn't. I was pregnant when I found out that my first husband was a bigamist and I was totally into my pregnancy and didn't mourn the end of the relationship. I did mourn the end of my second marriage but I'm not sure for how long. Maybe not long enough. Seriously, when I ended my second marriage I didn't spend enough time alone to think about what the hell went wrong. Even though it was my decision to leave I still felt rejected. Possibly because he didn't fight to keep me. Anyway, I don't deal with rejection very effectively so I had to prove to myself that I still had it going on.

I know how stupid that is.

Oh man. I absolutely cannot stand the thought of starting over again. Most people love the beginning of relationships. They love the chase and the excitement of being with someone new. I hate that shit. I like being in a relationship but I have found out (once again) that men like the chase. Once they have you they lose interest. So where does that leave me?

Love is for suckers.

Truthfully, my immediate goal is to raise my children. A relationship with a man and raising my children do not match. Men are needy as hell and if a guy cannot be number one he will find someone who will make him number one -- even if it's only for one night.

My birthday is quickly approaching. I'll be celebrating my 41st year. I'm really looking forward to it. I want to take a trip. A forbidden trip. I know I shouldn't and I probably won't but it sure is fun to think about. I have a friend. A buddy. A f**k buddy. Isn't that terrible? I know. Truth is, I haven't been with him in four years but I do believe he may be the ego boost that I need. Like I said, I know I probably won't make the trip but I like thinking about it. The last time we were together we spent the weekend at a beautiful bed and breakfast in the south. A view of the river greeted us each morning and for 51 hours I was his and he was mine and then it was over. It got me through. It helped me. Isn't temporary help better than no help at all? I spoke to him today. He has promised not to try to entice me into doing something that I shouldn't do. He lives a far enough distance away that I cannot get into any immediate trouble. We've known each other for more than thirteen years and I trust him. Better with him than with some random fool that I don't even know.

I know. I know. I can't do it. Wasn't it Shakespeare who said, "Methinks thou dost protest too much"?

Well, the purpose of this post was to determine how long I should mourn. I guess as long as it takes. Not too long. I have too much life to live. It didn't work and now it's time to move the hell on. The second glass of grigio is just about gone. So I should probably go to bed. Does anyone think that I am self-medicating with alcohol and not really facing what is really bothering me?

You're right. I am.

Even the most positive person has moments of sadness, doubt and helplessness.

I am emotional and I have been overtaken by my anger at times. I thought I had it under control. Apparently, I don't.

Lesson learned: there are consequences for my actions.

I won't go into detail. I won't speak of it again. I am a walking testament of the notion that if you continue to do the same things over and over again expecting different results you are insane.

Perhaps I'm insane. I hope not.

I think the expectations that I put on others are ridiculously high. That is why I suffer such great disappointment. I know I cannot control the actions of others. I can only hope to control my own actions. However, the events of this week have proven that I cannot even do that.

I'm not beating myself up. I'm not kicking myself. Life happens and now I have to deal with it. I continue to pray that God will continue to protect me during this time. I have repented and I know that I have been forgiven.

What's the plan? The plan is to learn the lesson. The plan is to stay focused. The plan is to pray for those that despitefully use me. The plan is to know that my help comes from the Lord.

Please pray for me.

I work from an internal frame of reference.

That's a fancy way of stating that I am extremely self-centered. There were times in my life when I actually believed the world revolved around me. I believed that the sun wouldn't rise if I didn't get out of bed. Is that crazy or what?

I'm better now -- not much but I'm making progress. I've noticed that many bloggers have suspended their postings recently. I'm thinking that because during this time of crisis it's hard for people to focus on themselves and the self gratification that blogging provides. Seriously, there are thousands of people who were devasted by Katrina; their lives literally taken away from them while we casually sit in front of our computer screens typing away about the trivial events of our lives. Some of us wrote about it. Some of us complained and pointed fingers. Others made donations and other small sacrifices for the cause wondering if it is really doing any good. I can't imagine being in a situation like that and I pray to God that I never will be. I don't know how I would cope.

What do you do when you wake up and everything that you hold dear is just gone? Who do you turn to?

Back to my internal frame of reference. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Doesn't it? Of course it does. I'm hurting right now. It's a deep hurt that will change me and my way of thinking for the rest of my life. I have to believe that I'm experiencing this kind of hurt because there is a lesson to be learned. I have to believe that. Otherwise what would be the point? I think the lesson is that the world is bigger than just me and my small experiences. I have to look beyond how I can feel better and actually do something to make someone else feel better.

I guess. I don't know.

I read 1 Peter 5:7 today which says Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. I don't want to hurt anymore. I'm turning this one over to God. I can't deal with it and I don't want to deal with it.

It is official. I love my new job.

I thought that it would be intimidating to be surrounded by so many young people but it's not. It's refreshing. They like what they do and they seem to love coming to work. They haven't been working long enough to have negative views toward Corporate America. I found out this week that I'm also older than my boss -- by one year.

God never ceases to amaze me. He always works things out for my good. The amazing thing is that I don't even know it's happening. I think about all the events that took place before I accepted this position and it's scary because it almost didn't happen.

1. I received an e-mail from a former co-worker that there were three open positions at my old place of employment (Company A).

2. I decided that I hated my present job (Company T) just enough to go back to Company A -- temporarily forgetting why I left in the first place. I submit my resume.

3. After more than a week of total frustration from not hearing anything from Company A, I scour the classifieds and see the advertisement that my current job (Company C) has posted. It sounds like a job that I could do and at this point I really just want to leave Company T. I submit my resume on Thursday.

4. On Friday, I get a call from Company A and they want to set up an interview -- finally! I'm just arrogant enough to think that all it will entail is a salary negotiation. How could they not want me back? The "interview" is set for Monday.

5. Monday morning comes and I have my interview and it is really an interview. I'm sitting at a table with three former co-workers and they are really interviewing me! At the end of the interview they give me the "we'll be in touch" speech. I'm convinced that I'm in there like swimwear!

6. Monday afternoon I get a call from Company C to set up an interview. It was right on the tip of my tongue to turn them down -- after all I was on my way back to Company A. But something said to me, "go on the interview -- nothing is guaranteed." I made the appointment for the end of the week. That way, when Company A called with the offer I would have time to cancel the interview with Company C.

7. Friday comes and I've heard nothing from Company A and I'm beginning to worry. I go on the interview with Company C and the interviewer was doing a better job of selling me than I was doing of selling me. In other words, he was convincing me of why I would be perfect for the job. The best time to look for a job is when you really don't need one. The less desperate you seem the more impressive you are.

8. On Monday I e-mailed my professional references to Company C.

9. On Wednesday a phone call comes from Company C and they want to make an appointment for me to come in and meet the CEO. They also want to know why I'm leaving Company T and what are my salary requirements. I'm pretty sure that this is the thing that will knock me out of the running. After all, I don't come cheap.

10. On Thursday I receive a written job offer from Company C. The offer is for more than what I asked for. I'm conflicted only because I still haven't heard from Company A. But there I was with an offer on the table. I give Company A one last shot to respond -- they don't.

11. On Friday morning I accepted the offer from Company C and on Friday afternoon I turned in my resignation to Company T.

One footnote to the this scenario: I listed a friend of mine who works at Company A as one of my references. Company C said I came very highly recommended from Company A. When I spoke to my friend she said no one ever called her. As it turns out, one of the VPs at Company A is the step-father to the CEO of Company C. The VP gave me very high marks. Small world.

I thought I knew what I wanted. Clearly, God had something better in mind.