Okay -- I'm no longer thinking in a drunken haze. I spent a couple of days alternating between crying and sleeping and I've realized one thing ... if I don't get a handle on these damned mood swings I'm going to blow my brains out.

I feel good today. Really good. I find that if I occupy my mind with things that really matter than there is no room for the depressing thoughts. I don't wear depression well. In the past two weeks (since the incident) I have changed my hair drastically, bought some expensive jewelry, contacted an ex-lover and have not cooked one meal. I've got to get a grip on this thing.

I heard a story in church on Sunday about a man who was gathering wood in his backyard and came across a snake. It was frozen solid and he felt bad for the snake. The man brought the reptile into his home and put him in a box covered with blankets and sat him by the fire. He nurtured that snake and successfully brought him back to life. He was so pleased with what he had done. He reached into the box and picked up the snake and the damned thing bit him! The man was shocked. He said to the snake, "How could you bite me? I brought you in from the cold and took care of you and brought you back to life. This is the thanks I get?" The snake looked at the man and said, "You knew I was snake when you brought me in here."

That is some funny shit.

How many times have you gotten involved with a prick thinking that your good influence will turn him around and make him a good person? A prick is a prick and a snake is a snake. No matter how you slice it.

I need some ideas on what I should do for my birthday in 20 days. I want to take a trip and get into something I have no business getting into. Of course that will make me feel better for a very short period of time. But at least I'll feel something. How sick and desperate does that sound?

Truth is, I've been here before and I've gotten through it before. What is the lesson? Trust your gut -- not your heart. The heart is a deceitful betrayer. The heart works with the genitalia. They are in cohoots to destroy rational thinking men and women. It's true. It's hard to tell who is the ring leader because they are equally powerful. The gut, on the other hand just sits back -- makes his presence known very quietly and waits for you to listen. While the heart/genitalia team are loud and raucous and are constantly screaming, "Do it! He loves you! You love him! Go for it!"

Trust your gut.