Heavy traffic on the way to work. Tall grass that needs mowing. Someone will say something to hurt your feelings. You're heart will get broken. And if you’re lucky, you’ll get older.
Even though some things are inevitable we often believe that it is within our power to change the natural course. This statement reminds me of when I was pregnant with my son. I had such a wonderful pregnancy … no morning sickness and I only gained 20 pounds. I was actually one of those women that glowed when I was pregnant (the first time – the second time I was a big fat disgusting cow!) I was absolutely beautiful. However, when I got to my eighth month the reality of labor and delivery hit me. I got scared and tried to think of a way that I could have this baby without labor and delivery! I know … I was special back then.
Some things are just going to happen.
When I published my novel and was preparing for the release party I was really a wreck. My family was coming to town and there was just too much stuff to do. Combine that stress with my normal bout of PMS and I was not someone you wanted to be around for any period of time. I had to do something. I made a doctor’s appointment and somehow convinced my physician that I needed something to take the edge off. During the conversation the doctor asked me if depression ran in my family. I thought for a minute. I told her that two of my sisters were diagnosed with clinical depression and my mother displays the symptoms but she’s “taking it to the Lord” not to some head shrinker. My doctor nodded her head knowingly like I had shared some big secret with her. Taking my family history into account, she suggested that I make plans to see a psychiatrist but in the meantime she wrote me a low-dose prescription for xanax.
I happily took the prescription and kept it moving. I got through the release party and the release of the book and everything was lovely. I never really gave much thought to what my doctor said about the whole family history thing. I wasn’t depressed. I’ve seen both my sisters during some really dark periods and I never behaved like that. I love my sisters but they tend to wallow. I am not a wallower. I have my moments where I’m down but I force myself to get back up again. I'm like a superhero, dammit!
See my cape flowing in the wind?
Some things are going to happen whether you want them to or not.
I realized a couple of weeks ago that I have been depressed for almost a year now. Who knew Superwomen got depressed? Depression takes on many faces. Since I refuse to stay down and I pride myself on being a trooper I didn’t even recognize it in myself. Here are some of the symptoms:
· Feeling sad, empty, hopeless, or numb.
· Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy.
· Irritability or anxiety.
· Trouble making decisions.
· Feeling guilty or worthless.
· Thoughts of death and suicide.
Out of these 6 symptoms I owned four of them on a consistent basis. I never had a problem making a decision – even if it was the wrong one. And I’m too self-centered to consider suicide.
Even though the other four plagued me daily, I thought that since I was still functioning I was okay. Or I would be okay. I didn't want to be depressed and I thought I could ward it off but it somehow snuck in the back door and got me.
Something happened early last fall that knocked me off my feet and stripped me of my confidence to the point that I didn’t want to leave my house. Hell, I didn’t want to leave my bed most days. But I’m a trooper. So, I got up everyday and stuck to my normal routine. Except when I came home at night. At the end of the day I would come home and go to bed. I’d leave the kids to their own devices and just go to bed. This was odd for me because I used to think I was the perfect mother. I cooked every night for my children and looked down on those so-called mama’s who fed their kids Micky D’s every night. I had turned into that mama. Micky D’s, Subway, Pizza Hut, Chinese … whatever was quick. It was horrible. Of course I came up with every rationalization you could think of but the truth is I was depressed.
I’ve mentioned before that I’m no stranger to a therapist’s couch and in the past year I’ve gotten cozy on that couch a couple of times. Nothing regular and nothing consistent and no more drugs were prescribed. I didn’t want to get addicted to the drugs or to the counselor. So I made appointments when I wanted to talk about things that I couldn’t talk about with anyone else. Not even you guys.
Anyway, you are probably wondering what light bulb went off in my head and made me realize that I was just wasting away. The cooking channel. Yes, the cooking channel. Especially the chick that makes full meals in a half hour. I started watching her in the evenings and she made me remember that I enjoy cooking. I like creating things in the kitchen. Unfortunately, for the past year I haven’t done too much of it.
So now, eleven months later I’m slowly getting back into my cooking routine. I bought this cookbook and I’ve made quite a few dishes that my kids actually enjoyed. Go figure.
It’s weird how some things are just going to happen whether you want them to or not.
