Sometimes I wonder what Alexander Graham Bell was thinking back in 1876 when he got the patent for the telephone.

I guess the telephone is a marvelous invention but for the most part I would rather not have one. So, I ask myself: why do I have two and pay about $120 a month for the privilege?

It has its benefits. If I have to make or cancel an appointment I pick up the phone. If I want to confirm some information I pick up the phone. For anything business related I don’t mind picking up the phone. On average my outgoing phonecalls will last no longer than seven minutes. And for me, that’s a long conversation.

I’m not a chatter. I will never EVER just pick up the phone to chat. It’s a friggin waste of my time. I literally cringe when I’m in my house and the phone rings. My heart leaps if the phone rings before 7:00 a.m. and I mumble this quick prayer: Please don’t let anyone be dead. If the phone rings after 10:00 p.m. the caller better be prepared for my attitude. My son’s friends usually catch this.

Unfortunately, in the past few weeks the people that I love and that love me have gently reprimanded me for not calling them:

“You just ain’t gonna pick up the phone, are you?” (my sister, after she returned from vacation. She got back and I didn’t call her to see how it was)

“I haven’t heard from you in forever! Just wanted to let you know that I didn’t fall off the face of the earth!” (my best girlfriend. She says this to me all the time)

“I just wanted to holla at you since I hadn’t heard from you since you got back from Atlanta.” (my newfound brother. I called to let him know I got back to town safely and that was it).

I kinda feel bad. I’m not a phone person but the folks that care about me think I don’t care about them because I don’t call. I care. Honest, I do. I just hate the telephone. If I don’t have any significant information to deliver than I won’t call you. I’m not going to call to say ‘hey’. I’m not going to call to complain about my job, the kids or my relationship. I just won’t. If you call me, I’ll chat for a minute but I will not initiate the conversation and you’ll feel like you’re pulling teeth in order to get me to talk.

The phone is evil. It is. Think of how much gossip would be eliminated if there were no phones. Who is going to get in their car and drive to your house to tell you that they saw Bubba out with Sharonda? Just think of how the quality of our communication would increase. I think of how many bullshit conversations I’ve had on the phone and I just shake my head. I have probably hung up the phone on a person more times than I have picked up the phone to make a call.

It’s not all bad. There are a few folks that I speak to regularly:

My first significant conversation with B lasted for about four hours. That was three years ago and our conversations don’t last anywhere near that long now. We do speak on the phone everyday … because he calls me everyday. He’s a phone person and we probably speak two or three times a day.

I’ll call my son to find out where he is and when he’s coming home. My daughter isn’t yet mobile but when she is I’m sure I’ll blow up her cell as well.

Every now and then I’ll call my sister at work just to pass the time … if I’m not blogging that is.

But other than that, I’d be hard pressed to come up with anyone that I would just pick up the phone to chat with.

I remember back in the day I had the pleasure of being a Home Minister for my church. Being a home minister meant that I was assigned a group of about five families and it was my responsibility to call them once a week to check on them. The idea was to foster communication – to make the church family more of a family. I had to address any concerns they might have and to pray with them. I hated the job for so many reasons but the main reason was because I had to call people that I didn’t know that well. Not to mention the fact that I was not really qualified to address their concerns. The idea was good in theory but it was seriously flawed. But that is a story for another post.

Bottom line: don’t get mad because I don’t call you. It’s not because I don’t love you or that I’m not thinking about you. It’s just that if I don’t have anything to say … why bother? I just don’t like the phone. If I don’t call my mama, what makes you think I’m gonna call you?

Yeah, I know … I need to call my mama.