Her highness, the Princess wrote about the L word and I’m not trying to jack her idea but it got me to thinking.

How many times have I said it?
How many times have I meant it?
How many times have I heard it?
How many times have I heard it and it was a total lie?

The L word or as I like to call it, the kiss of death, marks a very important time in any romantic relationship. It will either make it or break it. Too many times in my life it has been the cause of too much anxiety. It’s funny how three little words can cause so much trouble.

When I was young, with bright eyes and more ass than sense those three little words would set my heart to flutter. The thought that a boy/man would love me just turned me into mush. I would write his name over and over again. Then pair it with my own name. Then I would add his last name to … my name! It was all so fun and romantic.

My first boyfriend, WS, was honestly my first true love. We really did have plans to marry. Not solid, concrete plans but the plans of two high school kids who can’t see past graduation. That is until graduation comes and I left town and fell for another. But I digress (I hate that term but it fit). WS was a cutie. He was tall, with these light brown eyes and a really big butt that sat up high on his back. I don’t know – I like guys with booties. Anyway, we began dating in 10th grade. I was the new girl in town and you know how you guys always fall over a new face. He made me feel special. He called me everyday. He never called me by my first name ... he always called me “Sweetheart”. When we hung up the phone he would never let me say “good-bye” because that was too permanent. We always said, “talk to you later”. **deep sigh**

WS loved me. He really, truly loved me and I’d be hard pressed to say the same for any other scoundrel who said those words to me over the years. Present scoundrel excluded.

Wait … did that sound bitter? Sorry. No male bashing.

What about me? Have I looked right into a man’s eyes and said those words knowing full well I didn’t mean it. **hanging my head in shame** Sadly yes. I did that a few times in my twenties when I just didn’t know how to be truthful without hurting someone’s feelings. I mean, the guy is just sitting there with this look on his face … all hopeful and waiting. I felt backed into a corner. I had to reciprocate. I was such a wuss.

I remember noticing a strange look on the face of one boyfriend and I said to him, “You love me, don’t you?” I started cracking up and dancing around the room chanting, “You love me, you love me!” He got all frustrated trying to convince me that he didn’t love me. By then the seed had been planted and inevitably he confessed his undying love for me. LOL. I think this same guy threw an absolute hissy fit when he discovered that he had inadvertently told me he loved me on tape. Long story … remind me to tell you later.

I can be so wicked.

I remember once I was casually dating this guy and we were on the phone and he said, “I love you”. I responded with dead silence. He picked up on my discomfort and quickly added, “Oh don’t take that the wrong way … it’s just something I say.” I’m like … yeah okay, dude. Whatever.

Anyway, all these years of being in so-called love have left me slightly jaded. As a matter of fact, when B and I started dating one of his first questions to me was “Who jaded you?” I didn’t have time to tell him the whole story but he’s gotten most of it over the years. We were still in the getting to know you stages when he sat in my office and said, “I think I’m falling in love with you.” I, of course, looked at him like he was crazy and said, “You don’t even know me.” I explained to him that I wasn’t that girl. You know the one who hears that and giggles and starts writing your name over and over again. It sounded fake and contrived and I felt as though he thought he needed to say it in order to take me to the next level. I don’t know … it kinda pissed me off.

Perhaps he was falling in love with me. I’m convinced of his feelings now, not because of what he says but because of what he does.

LoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLove … it’s a tiring topic. It means so many things to so many different people. It can be a blessing or a curse. It can mark the happiest or the saddest day of your life. It’s complicated but does it have to be?