But the post got me to thinking about when I did have it and all the different stages us gals go through when it comes to our kids.
I clearly remember being seventeen years old and knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wanted to be a mother. I don’t know what I was going through at the time but I was in my bedroom, that I shared with my fourteen year old sister, and I was lying on the bed and thoughts of motherhood came into my head. It was weird but that was when I knew that I wanted to be a mother one day. Thankfully, I had enough sense not to do anything about it at the time. Unlike some young ladies who don’t realize that they have their whole lives ahead of them and believe that pregnancy is the next step after high school graduation. ** stepping off the soap box**
When I was nineteen I partied my way right out of college and wound up back at my mother’s house. (Guess I didn’t have that much sense, after all!) I had a conversation with my mom, which ended up being quite prophetic. I told my mother, “I want to be a mother but I don’t necessarily want a husband.” My mother was dumbfounded and I knew that she wanted to beat the hell out of me for saying something so stupid. She did go off on me though. Telling me how stupid that was and did I plan to go out and get pregnant, blah blah blah. She was scared. I was just making conversation. Sheesh!
At 25, I married the first of two completely unsuitable men and at 26 I had the first of two absolutely wonderful children. Isn’t it strange how a complete SOB could produce a perfect child? The marriage was over before I gave birth. I absolutely fell in love with my son. You don’t hear me … I fell in love with this little person. He was perfect and my every move depended on him. I didn’t leave the house (except to work) for four months after he was born because I just needed to be with him. A friend finally dragged me out telling me that what I needed was some adult company.At 28, I met and married the second unsuitable man/child and at 30 I had my second child. I didn’t have baby fever but I knew that he was going to want a child of his own. Initially, I was hesitant. I asked myself, “How can I possibly love another child?” When I got pregnant I actually felt guilty because I didn’t want my son’s space to be disturbed. He was (and is) the prince … the golden child.
Then the princess arrived. All questions of how I could love another child went right out the window. I saw that little girl and once again my life changed. She was a different baby. More demanding than my son and I joke about how she held me captive for 15 months because she refused to stop nursing. I didn’t realize that I should have been in control of that situation. Oh well.
After my second child I knew I was done. I knew I didn’t want to have anymore children. I was just as sure about this as I was about wanting to be a mother in the first place. Since my husband refused to have a vasectomy (he was hoping we would have one more but he already had two other children from a previous relationship and quite frankly we couldn’t afford anymore kids), I decided to have my tubes tied.
There was a short period of time after my daughter started walking that I got those familiar yearnings for another baby. I got a kitten instead and soon I was cured of the baby fever.
I divorced for the second time and the conversation that I had with my mother so many years ago seemed to have manifested itself.
I don’t gush anymore when I see babies. Yeah, they smell good. But they don’t smell good all the time. Cleaning up someone else’s feces is not my idea of a good time. Big, swollen leaking nipples is not a good look. Sleep deprivation causes dark circles under the eyes. Thank God I’m not there anymore. God bless those of you who are there or who are looking forward to being there. (Hey Koolbreeze and ShellyP!) It's just not me.
My kids are 16 and 11 and I absolutely love the stage that we/they are in right now. No more daycare. No more fretting over what they will do in the summer. No more wondering if I remembered the diaper bag. Of course I have other things to look forward to: driver’s permits, first dates, proms, higher education, etc.
So many stages and I have enjoyed all of them. Some more than others. I’m looking forward to what they have in store for me.
