At the onset of my relationship with my beloved he announced to me that he was the most insecure man in my subdivision. That's probably an understatement. He is a very talented musician and plays for pay regularly yet after every gig he asks at least a dozen times, "How'd I sound?" Since he started dieting he can't stay out of the mirror and whenever we see each other he asks, "I look like I'm losing weight, right?" He's not only insecure but he's also obsessive with an external frame of reference. It used to drive me crazy but I'm used to it now because I understand it.

What I don't understand is why I sometimes have unexpected flashes of insecurity.

I am, for the most part, extremely self-confident and I know that I am my own biggest fan. I love me. Truly. I make my decisions without consulting anyone else and I stand by them. I make major purchases on my own with no regrets. I look at myself in the mirror and absolutely love what I see--I'm not perfect but I love me just the same.

Yet, there are times when a thought will creep into my mind. I've noticed that if I dismiss the thought immediately I have no problems. But if I allow I myself to dwell on the tiny thought it will grow. Along with the feelings of insecurity.

For example, last week I made the major decision to go back to my old job. Great! But than this tiny thought entered my mind: What if they don't want you back? I sent in my resume last Friday and I haven't heard a word. This insecurity stems from being over confident. See, I know that I'm awesome at my job and they should have never let me leave. I figured once they saw my resume that they wouldn't be able to get to the phone quick enough. Perhaps I suffer from delusions of grandeur. Anyway, the job closes this Friday and it is my understanding that they have to wait until then before they can start to set up interviews. That makes sense but this tiny little voice keeps trying to make me feel like they just don't want me back.

I haven't had a drink since the 4th of July.

Feeling this way sucks. I don't like it at all. I don't know how people who are chronically insecure handle it. I know I'll be alright. They'll call me in for a meeting (interview) or just do it over the phone and I'll be back in the saddle before you know it. Even if they don't I'll still be alright.

I'll just have to find some way to deal with the fact that everyone doesn't love me as much as I love me.