Either something is right or something is wrong. Period.

I have always viewed the world in terms of black or white. I never really believed in the gray area. I make judgments and decisions based on this belief and I think it has served me well. One problem with this way of thinking is that I don't give folks a whole lot of room to mess up. No one is perfect, however, I know I hold people to a very high standard. Possibly an unreachable standard. I'd like to think I hold myself to the same standard. I wonder if that's true.

In attempt to learn how to release anger and let go of painful memories, I am participating in an exercise which forces me to search for the gray area. I am trying to look at a different point of view by taking myself out of the equation. For example, if someone were to cut me off on the freeway today instead of getting angry and cursing the person out I'll take myself out of the picture and ask myself what caused the situation. Why is other driver driving so erratically? Is he late for an appointment? Does he have diahrrea and is looking for a bathroom? Is he rushing to the hospital to hear his wife's last words? Instead of focusing on what he did to me I'll focus on him. I believe that if I put this exercise into practice on an everyday basis than eventually I'll be able to look at those who have caused me pain and figure out why -- or at the very least I'll accept the fact that shit happens and get over it.

I'm not suggesting that I should not feel what I feel. If I'm angry I'm going to yell. If I'm hurt I'll probably cry. If I'm disappointed I'll show my disappointment but the key is not to wallow in those emotions. The key is not to stay in those places forever. I told Donna of an incident that occurred probably more than thirty years ago when a man didn't defend his wife after his brother called her out her name (you heard me!). The wife has held on to that pain and disappointment for more than thirty years. She is still angry and resentful toward her husband because of that incident. Thirty years. I don't want to be like that. Life is way too short and it has to be unhealthy for anger to stay inside and fester like that.

Let's face it, I honestly don't believe that anyone who has hurt me in the past had some horrible plan to deliberately do so. At the time, when it was all happening all I could think about was my hurt and what the other person did to me. I'm beginning to realize that sometimes there is a just a conflict of personalities. Someone who counts every penny (like me) will not mesh well with someone who is fast and loose with his finances. Because when he comes home and tells me he lost the money for the mortgage in a card game, I'll interpret that as him hurting me -- not just being an irresponsible idiot. After I kill him.

Let's flip it around. Who have I hurt and did I do it deliberately? Of course not. My older sister recently reminded me of an incident when I hurt her feelings because of something I said. Honestly, I don't even remember what she was referring to. But she did. I apparently said my peace and went on with my life, leaving her wounded. That's my personality style; I'm very opinionated and I'm not always as tactful as I should be and at the time my sister was a little fragile. Was I wrong for hurting her? I don't know -- there's the gray area.

I guess it does exist.