I have an appointment to see Donna today and we'll discuss my breakthrough -- you know, the whole thing about me holding grudges. She better have some insight as to how I can let go of the negative and embrace the positive.

I can feel the onset of a mood swing. It's a good thing that I recognize it coming. Now I can consciously take steps to not bite off the heads of the innocent.

A defining moment is a moment when you reach absolute clarity about yourself. In other words, it's when you realize something about yourself and it causes you to make a change. That's a defining moment. I think about my life-changing defining moments and for the longest time I think I focused on the event itself instead of what I realized about myself and what change I made. For example, one very significant defining moment was when I annulled my first marriage. I was eight weeks pregnant at the time and was faced with having to support myself and my son and raise him alone. If I had allowed myself to think about the magnitude of the decision that I was about to make I probably wouldn't have left my husband. What I realized about myself was that I could not tolerate living a lie or with a liar and the change I made was to never fully trust another human being ever.

I think defining moments should be more upbeat and positive. Fifteen years later I'm learning that I have to trust somebody. I have to be able to rely on someone else other than myself. The lessons we learn in life are not instantaneous. We have to go through something before we can learn something.

My thoughts are all scatterd because of the impending mood swing. I feel sorry for those poor unsuspecting people at work today.

I'm pretty self-absorbed. I toned it down a bit once I became a mother but for the most part I am going to look out for me and my kids before anyone else. I call it being self-sufficient, a survivor. Others just call it being selfish. Another defining moment that I had last night was that I realized that I am not first on my beloved's list of things to do. He doesn't put me first. For a person with an ego the size of mine that's a tough reality to accept. So, what have I realized about myself? That everyone else in the world doesn't hold me in as high esteem as I hold myself. Well, duh! And what change am I going to make? I could make an effort to put his needs in front of my own once in a while. Maybe the laws of reciprocity will kick in. Maybe they won't. The point is I can't control him but I can control how I react to him.

I think I just had another breakthrough.