Absolutely nothing.

I'll probably live to regret ever saying that but after two failed marriages I struggle with trying to find any benefit in being married. I confess that I am angry and slightly bitter and you can tell that when I say that marriage is an institution designed for men. A legalized form of prostitution. What emotional fulfillment does a woman get from being Mrs. So-and-So? In the last few years of my second marriage my husband was nothing more to me than a dick and a paycheck. And when he started holding back on the paycheck I no longer had a reason to stay in the relationship.

I won't bore you with the sordid details of my failed marriages because I'm sick of talking about them myself but I will say this: marriage just isn't for everyone. I want to wretch everytime some woman whines about being in her thirties and not yet married. Every woman (well, most women) want the experience of wearing a white dress and having all attention focused on her for one full day and getting a lot of gifts. I wanted it. Unfortunately, those same fairy tale brides don't think one minunte beyond the "I do's" to the actual marriage. I didn't. What a rude awakening that can be. Being married is a full time job that saps every single bit of your energy and if you don't work it ain't gonna work. Pardon my poor use of the King's English.

My beloved has never been married. I'm not sure if he wants to either. We've talked about it in the abstract but have never discussed it realistically. Between me and you, it scares the hell out of me. And I don't scare easily. I told him once that I didn't think I knew how to be a wife. He said I just never had the right husband.

What the hell is the "right husband"? A man who makes a good living and can support his family. A man who listens as well as speaks. A man who understands that sometimes his wife doesn't feel like talking (that's right). A man who understands that his wife isn't in the mood to be mounted every single night (sometimes she wants to be on top). A man who puts his wife first -- no matter what. A man who puts the happiness of his family ahead of his own. A man who understands the Biblical principle: Give and it shall be given unto you. When my beloved is generous with his time I trip over myself trying to do things for him. But when he withholds and asks like an asshole -- I can't help but to return the favor.

Women are so damned complicated. We are so needy. Men, on the other hand are quite simple. I heard a comic say once that he saw an article in a magazine titled, "101 Ways to Please a Man", written by a woman, of course. The comedian said that there are NOT 1o1 ways to please a man. There are three ways to please man: (1) make a him a meal every now and then, (2) give him a blow job every now and then (3) and know when to shut the hell up.

I'm now shutting the hell up.