Beaver: I don’t know Dad … sometimes when I mess up I just wonder why you don’t hit me.
Ward: Beaver! I would never hit you! What would make you say something like that?
Beaver: Well … if you hit me it would hurt … but that pain goes away. But when you called me stupid … that pain doesn’t really go away.
Okay, I know the Leave It To Beaver reference was kind of corny but there must be some reason why that episode has been lodged in my brain for so many years.
No one wants to be hurt. No one wants to feel pain. We do everything in our power to avoid it. But for some reason or another we just can’t avoid some painful situations. Beaver compares physical pain to emotional pain and while both are damaging he expresses that he would rather deal with the physical pain than with the emotional pain. I know what he means. I have had two babies with no drugs and I am no superwoman … it hurt. But I don’t think I can verbalize to you after 11 years what that pain felt like. Four years after I had my son I must have completely forgotten what the pain was like because I decided to get pregnant with my daughter.
The memory of physical pain seems to fade into a distant memory – unless, of course it’s constant as in abusive situations. But for the most part, it is easier to let go of physical pain than it is emotional pain. For example, I can’t remember the pain of childbirth but I can tell you exactly how I felt when I discovered that Antonio was a lying bigamist. I still feel it. That kind of betrayal is overwhelming. It feels like your drowning. Trying to gasp for air and not being able to. Trying everyday to wake up from a nightmare that just won't end. It’s crippling.
When I made the discovery I was pregnant so I had no other choice but to let it go and move on. I may have moved on but I don’t think I have really let it go.
I’m always in my head and I like to get into the heads of others. So I’ve been doing some research on Defense Mechanisms. Defense Mechanisms are a way to protect ourselves from the awareness of our undesired and feared impulses. They are our way of distancing ourselves from a full awareness of unpleasant thoughts, feelings and desires. In other words, I don’t want to be reminded of the betrayal so instead I protect myself by building walls and keeping people at a distance (i.e., denial, displacement and repression). I blame myself for what happened because I ignored the warning signs and I make a vow to never be that stupid again. I think everyone is trying to play me. I suspect everyone of having an agenda. I don’t accuse … I just keep my distance. It really is sick.
It’s hard for me to comprehend that someone could actually just love me for me. Unconditionally without wanting anything in return. So I overcompensate by saying that I love myself and therefore don’t need the love of someone else. But do I? I do take good care of me. I take myself out to dinner so I don’t need a man to pay for a meal. I take myself out to the movies so I don’t need a man to take me anywhere. I buy myself expensive chocolates and flowers so what do I need a man for? It’s crazy, I tell you. But while I’m doing all this stuff I’m really not leaving any room for a man. D used to ask me all the time, “What do you need me for?” I didn’t know how to answer him.
Anyway, back to the defense mechanisms. While they are used in an attempt to protect myself from unpleasant emotions, they could result in equally harmful problems. I have built so many daggone walls it’s like I’m living in a fortress with nothing but my cute shoes and purses. I can’t tell you how many people I have kicked to the curb because they disappointed me. Too many broken friendships and too many broken relationships.
So, what am I going to do about it? I am going to make an effort to trust. I need to trust that I do have good judgment. I need to trust that everyone doesn’t have an agenda. I need to trust that it’s okay to let folks in. Taking a chance isn’t always a bad thing.
I also need to trust that karma has hit Antonio right where he lives.
What is meant to be will be
