Joyce had a breakthrough!
Joyce is an intelligent, successful woman who seriously has it going on. She's been involved with a guy for a few years and a few months ago she realized that he really couldn't give her what she wanted -- a long-term, committed (i.e. exclusive) relationship. She knew she had to walk away but it's difficult to walk away from a good man, who hasn't really done anything wrong he's just not right for her.
Joyce has shared her concerns with me a number of times and I just sit and listen. I understand her predicament. Joyce has actually been trying to walk away since last spring. But her problem is that she continues to send mixed signals to this guy. For example, she'll explain how she feels and clearly break up with him. But then a few days later she'll go over to his house to break him off a little something ... you know what I mean! Unfortunately, for Joyce, she thinks that the "break off" supercedes the break up ... which it doesn't. The guy still believes that they are broken up and is thrilled that he can still hit it every now and then.
Poor Joyce!
She knows she deserves better and she knows that she has to make a clean break. Well, I think she finally did it. At least, she thinks she finally did it. She told me that this past weekend she went to his house and made him a really nice dinner and broke him off one last time. She knew it was going to be the last time and it was very emotional (for her). That was Saturday. On Sunday, she said she got up and went to church and afterwards he called her to see how she was.
Joyce: I'm fine. I'm just getting in from church
Dude: Church? Why'd you go to church?
Joyce: Because I needed some strength and that is usually where I get it.
Dude: (mockingly) Oh, so you're over me now?
Joyce: I'm working on it.
My problem is that ole boy knows she's struggling. He knows that she is weak behind him but he won't help her make a clean break. Then again, why should he? It all works out for his good. Joyce has got to do this on her own. I'm cheering for her.
On Monday, she told him straight up that she was moving on. He didn't take it too well but she stood firm. On Tuesday, he suggested that she drop by ... Joyce respectfully declined! This is huge for Joyce. She told me she craves him. I think that's a little dramatic but ... whatever.
I know she has to do this thing one day at a time but today we are celebrating her breakthrough!
Joyce's situation reminds me that even though we cannot control the behavior of another person we can control how others treat us. In other words, we dictate what treatment we will receive from others by letting folks know up front what is acceptable and what is not.
Joyce's fella continues to proposition her and entice her because that is the pattern that she has established. She let him know a long time ago that it is okay to try to get her into bed even though she had proclaimed that it was over. So now, he doesn't really believe that she's serious. I'm not sure I do either, but I'm in her corner. I read the following on Jia's blog today and I thought it was quite profound: Never allow someone to be your priority, when you are merely their option.
I love this and plan to pass it on to Joyce.
(I just spoke to Joyce ... dude just called her and suggested that they go away for a weekend. Joyce, once again, respectfully declined).
What is meant to be will be
