Okay, first of all I think everyone should go to church. I don’t want this post to come across as me bashing church or churchgoers but I do have issues.
I was raised in the church as many of us were. My family is filled with preachers. My mom, one of my fathers, grandmother and great-grandfather and at one point in my life I actually thought that I would be called to preach. I love the church and I enjoy the feeling of family and fellowship that usually accompanies church membership.
When I moved to VA it took me a while to find a church home but once I did I was thrilled. From the moment I walked in the door everyone was so friendly and loving and I believed that I had found my home. It was 1994, I was married and pregnant with my second child. Each time I entered the building I was greeted with, “Hey Sis, how’s it going?” “God Bless you Sis!” I got very involved in the church: I sang in the choir briefly, I taught Sunday school, I was part of the Praise Dance Team, I went to Wednesday night Bible study … everything … the whole shebang. I loved my church family and I thought they loved me.
Well, all that changed in 2000 when my husband and I decided to separate and eventually divorce. Suddenly, the people who once were so loving and friendly didn’t want to have anything to do with me. No more warm greetings. No more hugs. I felt like I was wearing a Scarlet A on my chest. Suddenly, because I was now a single woman I was the enemy. Married women saw me as a threat, single women saw me as competition, married men were afraid to speak and the single men … hell, there are no single men in church.
It was crazy! During the most difficult time in my life (my divorce) my (church) family literally turned their backs on me. I hadn’t done anything wrong but I was made to feel like I had. I was at a low point but there was no love, no compassion, just judgment. What pissed me off the most was when married women would martyr themselves and be applauded for that shit. I remember a married woman standing before the church talking about how her unsaved husband would come home drunk and had gambled away the mortgage money. She didn’t get mad and go off on him or make him feel bad … no, she just brought him upstairs, gave him a bath and put him to bed. She knew that God would provide. (Shaking my head) In the words of Sophia from The Color Purple: "You need to bash in his skull and think about Heaven later!"
Well, being the person that I am I took on the “kiss my ass” attitude. I decided to keep going to MY church and get MY word and I wouldn’t worry about those folks. That worked for a while but it still really hurt my feelings.
The one thing that I have noticed about being single and saved is that church folks seem to apply different standards to single women than they do to others. For example, I know that God sees sin as sin. There are no levels of sin. God doesn’t differentiate between ‘bad’ or ‘worse’ sins. Sin is sin. However, in the eyes of church folk, if you are a single woman the only sin that matters is SEX. I can disrespect my Mama and shoplift from 7-Eleven but I better not be having sex. So, imagine the looks on the faces of the congregation when I started bringing my new boyfriend to church. They didn’t see it as a good thing … you know, me trying to bring someone to the Lord. No! All they thought was that I was having sex. They didn’t care that this man and I prayed together and read the Bible together … none of that mattered. Finally, someone openly criticized my relationship and that was the last straw. It was time for me to leave. You know what is so funny? When I left, my phone was ringing off the hook with calls from church members wondering what happened. Church members who wanted to know why I left and took my fat tithe check with me. A posse of church ladies came to my house to talk to me and pray with me about my decision. Where was all this concern when I was going through my divorce? I needed the prayers of the church ladies then!
I have since started going to another church. It’s close to my house and I can go to the 7:30 service, get my word and come on home. I do miss the fellowship and the feeling of family. During this time my relationship with God hasn’t soured just my feelings toward His people.
What is meant to be will be
