I’m messing up. Thankfully, I realized it and caught myself before I went too far. It has been four weeks since the breakup and during that time, in an attempt to keep my mind occupied I have, contacted an ex distant lover, spent ridiculous amounts of money on books, jewelry, wine, clothes and lingerie. The $85 at Victoria’s Secret yesterday is what finally caused me to wake the hell up. I have never used shopping as therapy before so I don’t know why I started this now – probably because I can afford it now. Not for long at this pace. Anyway, I had been rationalizing that since it is my birthday month I deserve to spoil myself – but I’m just lying to myself.

I’ve decided to slow it down. I’m going to the annual wine tasting festival this weekend and my original intent was to purchase a case of something I really liked. I changed my mind. I’ll just come home with a bottle. Then I’m done spending. For real.

I know what the problem is. I’m trying to rush through the grieving process. I realize now how ridiculous that is. It is a process and just like any other process I just have to get through it. There are no short cuts. I just have to travel this road until I get through to the other side. There has to be a balance though. I refuse to wallow in it forever. I don’t want to be the only attendant at my pity parties. I heard somewhere (Sex and The City, I think) that the amount of grieving time you need for a failed relationship is one half the total time of the relationship. That means I should grieve for one year. To hell with that nonsense.

Here are a few productive things I plan to do to assist me on the journey:

Accept that it’s over. It’s done. Finished. This is what I wanted and this is what I got. No, it doesn’t make it hurt any less but the hurt I’m feeling now isn’t as bad as the hurt I was feeling while I was in the relationship.

Look to the future. What do I want to focus on now? When I got divorced five years ago I wrote my first novel and published it last year. Quite an accomplishment if I do say so myself. What's next for me? Set a goal and work to reach it.

Stop thinking about the next relationship. I have got to put more effort into working on myself before I can bring anything positive into a relationship. I brought all the baggage from my first marriage into my second marriage and you see where that got me. Lay low. Enjoy being alone for a while. Be grateful for the money I'll be saving on my grocery bill. Rejoice in the fact that I don't have to worry about his roving eye. Jump for joy that nothing in my refrigerator is labeled "fat free", "light" or "low fat". Stop thinking that every man is a possible suitor. Sometimes they’re not. Sometimes it’s just the guy at the grocery store.

Pray. Cast all your cares on Him because he cares for you. Lean not unto your own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and he will direct your path. He will keep you in perfect peace if you keep your mind stayed on Him. These aren’t just words – they are words to live by. God is faithful to us even when we are not faithful to him. How many people do you know like that? Not many I’d bet.

Tomorrow is another day and I'm really looking forward to it.