When is it okay to throw your hands up and just be done with the whole damned thing? Is it time to call it quits when a situation causes you more pain than it does joy? Is that when? When the stress of one situation spills over into other aspects of your life -- is that a sign to toss in the towel? How much poor treatment from others is one supposed to expect AND accept?

It's important for me to discover the answers to these questions because I know I have a history of leaving too soon. I have a history of running away from stressful situations. Perhaps in the past I ran right before I received the blessing that I was waiting for. My employment situation is a good example. I left my last job rather abruptly because it wasn't the perfect place to work and now, 17 months later, I've realized that I made a mistake and I'm trying to go back.

Speaking of that, I had my interview with my former employer yesterday. It went well but I have to admit it felt strange being intereviewed by the people that I worked with side by side for seven years. They discussed some of the changes that have taken place in the department and the specifics of the job I would be doing -- if they decide to offer it to me. I felt good about the meeting when I left. The only question is: can they pay me? The person who makes that decision is on vacation this week so I won't hear anything before Monday. Maybe later than that. Who knows? The funny thing is, shortly after I left the interview I received a phone call from another company that I sent my resume to and they are interested in interviewing me this Friday. When it rains it pours. The position with this company sounds interesting and challenging and since my former employer has not made me any guarantees it won't hurt to go on this interview.

Back to the subject at hand. If you can't find peace by avoiding life than where the hell do you find it?

I'm a handful and I know it. Somewhere along the line my "good" qualities find a way to bite me right in the behind. I can be strong, but not too strong. I can be independent, but not too independent. I can have an opinion, but I better not express it all the time. I am not a damsel in distress and I cannot pretend to be. I am not a victim and I won't make myself into one just so someone can come rescue me.

Let's get to the nuts and bolts of this thing: Why are men so threatened by the strength of a woman? Why can't they see it as an asset instead of something to be feared? It must be the competitive nature of a man. I don't want to compete with the man I'm sleeping with. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of always being on the defensive. I'm just tired.