“He’s just intimidated by strong, successful women.”
What woman in hell first decided to make this statement and publish it in women’s magazines and repeat it on women’s talk shows? It is probably one of the most overused, inaccurate sentences of our time.
Unfortunately, I was guilty of making this statement whenever a pseudo-relationship went awry. And what was even more unfortunate was that my girls would hop on board and agree with me.
“You right, girl!”
“You were just too much for him!”
At one point in time I may have actually believed that but now I think I know better. I believe that I, and many other women, used this as an excuse to make myself feel better instead of admitting that the relationship ended because of some failure on my part. God forbid!
The truth is I can be intimidating … but I have never been with a man that couldn’t hold his own up against me. But maybe, just maybe “holding his own” just got tiring and it was time to go. I’ll admit that I have the ability to wear a brotha out … and NOT in a good way.
Let’s use my second husband as an example. When we met he was 20 and I was 28. He fell quickly and he fell hard. Five months after we met I was wearing an engagement ring. He always told me that he admired my independence and loved how I was able to handle my business. I never had to ask him for a thing – ever. I think he had a “mama” complex. Anyway …
Once we got married and we settled into the business of being man and wife things began to change. He was gone all the time because of his military job and I was left to handle the household all alone – which was no big deal for me – that’s what I had always done. But when he would come home I wouldn’t let him be the head of the household. I couldn’t relinquish certain household responsibilities and I guess he felt left out. He didn’t feel like I needed him. It all went downhill from there.
The irony of the situation is that I desperately wanted him to be the man of the house but resented the hell out of him because he couldn’t be (because I wouldn’t let him). It was nuts. I wanted him to step up and take over the bank accounts, the bill paying, etc. but it just never happened.
Now? Well, my current beau says I’m as intimidating as a Hello Kitty Purse. He also, appreciates the fact that I’ve never asked him for money to get my hair done or for the light bill. But at the same time, if he’s at my house and notices that my garage door is sticking, he’ll get on the phone and get a repairman over to my house pronto. I like that. He’s cut down trees in my yard. He replaced my refrigerator and my PC. All without me asking … just stuff that he noticed that needed to be done and he took care of it. (Sidebar: That’s kind of off topic but I thought I’d give B a shout out.)
So, are men really intimidated by strong women? Honestly? I don’t think so. I think they just get tired of having to compete with their women. Men shouldn’t have to prove to their women that they are more of a man than she is. That’s sounds weird, I know. But whether you like it or not men have roles and women have roles. Now, because of certain circumstances women have been forced to take on more of the roles that traditionally have been assigned to men. I pay all my bills, I take out my garbage, I take my car in for servicing, I talk to my son about sex … it’s all on me. So, when a man comes into my life and wants to “take care” of me my natural instinct is to let him know that “I don’t need no man to take care of me!” Well, guess what … most men will take that as a cue and go on to the next woman. I think most men want to take care of their women. I know my husband wanted to take care of me. I wouldn’t let him and finally he wandered off. Not because he was intimidated but because he needed to be in a place where he could be the man. The only man. After we divorced he actually told me that sometimes he felt like my dick was bigger than his. Nice D, real nice.
I’m working on it. The key, for me, is to work on it without surrendering who I am. I’m no shrinking violet. I can’t be quiet if something is really bothering me and I’ll challenge you if I think you are doing wrong. But – everything doesn’t have to be a fight. I have to get better at choosing my battles. I allow B to do his thing. He picks up the check, he opens doors for me – I even let him order for me in restaurants. These are small things but he feels like it’s his responsibility and I don’t want to take that away from him.
What is meant to be will be
