When two people decide to go into a relationship, whether it be a dating relationship or marriage there are certain ground rules that are set. Sometimes the rules are spoken, as in with wedding vows. Sometimes they are unspoken, things that are just understood. Either way each party in the relationship has a relatively clear understanding of what the rules are and what the deal breakers are.
The deal breakers are those non-negotiable items that if they should come up will definitely end the relationship. I’ve learned in my lifetime that everyone does not have the same deal breakers. A transgression that may be viewed as devastating to one person may be seen as “not that bad” to another person. It’s not always black and white. It’s not always clear.
My advice to anyone reading this is to make sure that you and your significant other have a very clear understanding as to what the deal breakers are before you decide to embark upon a serious relationship.
Here are a few of my deal breakers:
Infidelity: Now, maybe it’s just me, but I always thought that this was one of those unspoken deal breakers. No one wants to be cheated on and in my mind if you cheat and I catch you … you’re gone. It seems this is not the case for everyone. I used to have this friend who was involved with her husband since the eighth grade. They are now in their late thirties, married and have three children. She has said numerous times, “Ain’t nobody leaving!” I believe that. She told me that even if her husband cheated that wouldn’t be enough to end their relationship. They have too much history and have built too much together to let it go because he had a one-nighter with some hoochie. I suppose I can understand her point. However, in my mind if you have any respect for me and our relationship at all you won’t stray. Period. No excuses. No second chances.
Lying: I can’t stomach a liar. I can’t find any reason for it. It insults the intelligence of the person that is being lied to. I don’t buy the excuse, “I lied because I didn’t want to hurt you.” The truth may hurt for a while but being lied to causes deeper wounds that are slower to heal. Lies breed mistrust. Tell me the truth and allow me to heal. Lie to me and I’ll never trust you again. Once the trust is gone what is left to hold together the relationship?
Messing with my money: There is nothing more important to me than my financial security. I don’t like being broke. I’ve been there and you can bet I will never be there again. You can be as broke as you want to be but you’ll be there by your damn self. I marvel at couples who can do the joint bank account thing … I tried it in my second marriage with disastrous results. If I ever become Mrs. Anybody, I will always have a seperate bank account.
Physical Violence: I have never been in a physically abusive relationship. I can’t see staying with someone who causes you physical pain. Unfortunately, I have lashed out violently in a relationship. I was devastated afterward because I didn’t realize that I was capable of that sort of behavior. I’m working on my anger issues and it has never happened again. Clearly, this was not one of his deal breakers because he’s still around.
I have a lot of rules for myself, don’t I?
Please understand that you are dealing with a twice-divorced woman. My first husband was a lying bigamist and my second husband was too young and would have spent us into the poor house had I let him. I’ve been through enough that I know exactly what I will tolerate and what I won’t.
He doesn’t have to cook. He doesn’t have to do his own laundry. He doesn’t even have to get my car serviced or take out the garbage. Just respect me. Treat me the way you’d want someone to treat your mama.
To some, it may sound as if I don't believe in the concept of commitment. I have made the statement in the past about continuing to love someone when they are not lovable. I've spoken about standing by your commitment ... no matter what ... through thick and thin. For better or worse and all that jazz. I do believe all that. But I also believe that a successful relationship is built on mutual respect and trust. If you have certain "deal breakers" it is imperative that they be expressed before you get too deep into the relationship. You can't spend thousands on a wedding, say "I do" only to find out that your new mate is a crack head. I'm saying take the time to get to know the person you're with. Talk. Communicate. Don't take anything for granted. Don't make a commitment and then at the first sign of trouble duck and run.
What are your deal breakers?
What is meant to be will be
