Have you ever been broke? I mean, really broke:
Always having month left after the money.
Having to rob Peter to pay Paul every month.
Never being able to afford to eat out.
Telling people that you hate to shop because you actually couldn’t afford to.
Buying a family pack of chicken wings and a box of Bisquick to last for two weeks because that’s all you could afford.
Playing ‘race to the bank’ because you floated a check for groceries two days before payday.
Never knowing when your bills are due because it didn’t really matter – they got paid when you had the money.
Not answering the phone because you knew it was someone looking for a late payment.
Not knowing the meaning of “disposable income”
Breathing a sigh of relief between paydays when you realize that you hadn’t bounced a check in two weeks.
Owning two pair of shoes – a dressy pair and a casual pair. Oh yeah, and a pair of tennis shoes that you picked up at the grocery store.
That was me.
Struggle was a way of life. I was consumed with figuring out how to survive. I wasn’t living my life. I was just trying to survive. It was tough but I had done it for so long that I never even thought about it. I went to the grocery store and laundromat every two weeks because that was when I had the money to do so. What was interesting was that most people knew nothing of my situation. I didn’t look broke and I sure didn’t talk about it. When I was asked to accompany my co-workers out for lunch I would always ‘be too swamped’ to leave the office. When they were gone I would close my door and eat my peanut butter and jelly sandwich that I brought from home. I knew exactly how much of my phone and light bills needed to be paid each month in order to keep them on. I did not have cable.
How did I get to that point? When I was seventeen I applied for a student Mastercard with a credit limit of $300 and it was all downhill from there. I made some of the worst financial mistakes of my life between the ages of 17 and 24. Spend Spend Spend. At some point after I turned 25 I thought I had it under control but I dug myself back into a hole again. Unfortunately, I had cosigned a loan for my first husband and when we split he stopped paying on it and they came after me. Same for his car … I told them to repossess that car because I wasn’t paying for that shit.
Month after month, year after year of struggle. Finally, I decided that I had had enough. I was divorced for the second time and I had two children and I really wanted better for them. I knew that there was no magic in what had to be done. I wasn’t going to win the lottery and I didn’t have any rich relatives that were knocking on death’s door. I had to work hard to correct the situation that I had gotten myself into. Eventually, I began to make more money and slowly and methodically I paid off old debts. In 2002 I made the decision to buy a home. I’ve made pretty smart career moves and because of my fear of being broke again I make very smart spending choices.
Okay, so now at 41 I’m no longer broke. That’s a good thing and I’m thrilled with being able to eat out and shop when I want without fear. But since my mind was consumed with mere survival for more than twenty years how do I switch gears and concentrate on living?
I want to live my life. Enjoy the fruit of the labor but I’m not sure I know how to do that.
I’m reading The Purpose Driven Life again trying to figure out what the hell my purpose is. I know that the bottom line of the book is that my purpose is to serve God. I know that. He created me for his purpose – not for my own. I don’t know what He wants me to do. I suppose if I ask Him he’ll tell me. I’ve told people that my purpose is to raise my kids. I believe that but in less than ten years they will be grown – then what?
What is meant to be will be
