Everything is Everything

Do you have to hear the words?

Thursday, December 15, 2005

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I grew up in a house with my mom and dad and six siblings. I can probably count the number of times I remember hearing my parents say, “I love you” on one hand. This is not a complaint – because there was plenty of love in my house – but an observation. My parents were not touchy-feely and I didn’t get tucked in or receive a kiss goodnight. Contrarily, my kids and I exchange I love you’s on a daily basis. I don’t tuck them in but we give hugs and kisses before bed almost every night.

I don’t think I was affected by not hearing it as a child but I was determined to make sure that I let my kids know at every given opportunity. I’m not saying I’m a better parent just a different one.

Does it matter? Do you have to hear the words in order to know that someone loves you?

I’ve learned in the church that out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks so does that mean if we don’t say I love you that we don’t actually feel it in our hearts? I don’t think so. I have been in situations when a man has uttered those three little words and I knew he didn’t mean it. By the same token there were also times when I felt it so strongly but just couldn’t bring myself to say the words.

I remember when I was in my twenties and dating hearing those words for the first time was the highlight of the relationship. I’d get on the phone with my girls and scream, “He said it, girl. He loves me!” Now, twenty years later I can barely remember the names of those suitors or the circumstances under which they pledged their love. So, do the words really matter?

I’d like to believe that real love is unconditional and lasts forever. I’d like to believe it but I don’t think unconditional love exists with the exception of familial love. Maybe I’m wrong. I had a conversation with my best friend yesterday. He was totally pissed off at his wife of 14 years because she has been seriously mismanaging their money without his knowledge. When he confronted her, she lied to him. Now she no longer has access to any of the “joint” money and he took away all her credit cards. He directed her to open up an account of her own and fill it with the little money she makes doing home daycare. He told her that she was lucky that they both agreed before they got married that divorce was never an option. Is this an example of unconditional love?

That was interesting to me because I left my second husband because he lied to me about money (there’s more to the story but that’s the gist of it). In my mind, financial security was and is the most important thing to me. I don’t like being broke and have vowed never to be again. Lying is a deal breaker – lying about money is cause for an ass kicking of the worst kind.

Anyway, I’m off the subject: do you have to hear the words in order to know if someone loves you?

I think many of us get caught up in the words. I think they are over used and lose their meaning.

I truly believe that actions speak much louder than words. Not big actions either.

When my boyfriend took me to Pep Boys and replaced my windshield wipers, that says, “I love you”
When he stayed with my kids and me during Hurricane Isabel, that says, “I love you”
When he does yard work at my house and he doesn’t even live there, that says, “I love you”
When he got me a great deal on a new refrigerator and installed it even though he had a bad back, that says, “I love you”
When he shows real appreciation for a home cooked Sunday dinner (because my kids would rather eat cereal!), that says, “I love you”
When he promotes my book each time he gets a mic in his hand, that says, “I love you”

Then of course, there are the big actions:

Saying I love you with Godiva chocolates
Saying I love you with a limo and a $200 dinner
Calling the salon while I’m getting a facial to pay for my service without my knowledge

He ain’t perfect – far from it. And we probably won’t live happily ever after but I do know that he loves me and I know 20 years from now I will remember him – even if he never says the words.

Blessed by chele at 3:30 PM

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